I Can't Unlove You
by BitterHarpy
Summary: I was empty. I was unloved. I was nothing. Reunited suddenly after fifteen years, Bella and Edward have lived very separate lives. Can they go back or are they destined to be apart? AH, AU.
1. Chapter 1

**There will be three parts and an epilogue. Each part will have multiple chapters and will be listed like this…**

**Book One: Bella**

**Book Two: Edward**

**Book Three: Edward and Bella**

**Book Four: Epilogue**

**It will be written in first person. Book One will have very little Edward in it past the first part. Book Two will have very little Bella in it past the first part. They will be mentioned but not appear. Then Book Three will switch POV as I see fit. Make sense?**

**The first update past the prologue is borrowed heavily from the first part of New Moon. No copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Twilight, as it is the brainchild of Stephenie Meyers, the lucky bitch.**

**This fic is completely written. I am just cleaning it up a bit. I will probably post every 3****rd**** to 4****th**** day. **

**I Can't Unlove You**

**Prologue - BPOV**

"Hey, Bells!"

I stopped walking down the hallway and looked at my fellow colleague and friend, Dr. Jasper Whitlock.

"When we are within the four walls of this hospital, you will address me by the proper title of Dr. Swan." I mocked.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Blow it out your ass." He said, smiling.

"Did you need something?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, did you hear? We are getting a new Neuro God," he told me.

"Yes, I heard. It all anyone is talking about. Well, that and how he is bringing his famous doctor wife with him. Apparently, Dr. and Dr. Perfect don't have names." I rolled my eyes. I was Chief Brandon's favorite right now and I didn't need or want anyone getting in the way of that.

"Jealous much?" He asked.

"No. Not at all. I just hope he is up for a little friendly competition is all." I said.

Jasper snorted.

"Friendly? You? Yeah, not so much," he countered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, ready to reach down for some hostility if needed.

"Need I remind you of the first day we met as interns? Or the case where you knocked me flat on my ass?" He asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Not my fault you got in my way." I shrugged.

"You clotheslined me!" He exclaimed.

"Again, not my fault."

"I had to have four sutures. And my ribs hurt for weeks." He complained.

"Oh you big baby. Suck it up. I made you a stronger doctor and one who now knows to get out of my way." I teased.

"What are we talking about?"

I grinned and Jasper groaned.

"We are not talking about anything; Bells and I are talking about something. This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out," he sneered.

"You would think you two hated each other, but I know better. You love each other." I continued, ignoring their scoffs. "And we were talking about the new docs gracing us with their presence." I told my friend of twenty years.

"Oh yeah, Brainless Brain Man and his Vaginator?" Rose quipped. "Brandon is thrilled. She is like a little pixie dancing around. You would think this guy's cock was made of gold the way she is acting."

"Brandon is dancing?" I asked. The four foot ten inch woman made my mother quake in her boots, and that was saying something.

"Dancing, skipping…same thing. Big meeting later. See ya then. Don't be late." Rose said and then walked swiftly down the hall.

My phone chimed that I had a text so I excused myself from Jasper.

_How is ur day?_

I rolled my eyes. How hard is it to spell out your words?

_Same crap, different bathroom. You?_

_Fine. Just got out of ass lift. Dinner 2 nite?_

_Okay, I get off at six and then I have to pick up A.J._

_Meet u at Alongi's. Later Hoor._

_It is Whore, your prick. And I will see you then._

_LOL. ILY_

I sighed and typed out my response.

_Me too._

I placed my phone back in my lab coat and went back to work.

The next time I glanced at my watch it was almost four. Crap! I ran for the conference room. Brandon would have my ass if I was late.

I rounded the corner and saw that it was standing room only. I decided I was tiny enough to press through the crowd and get closer and if not, I hoped they watched out for my lethal elbows.

However, my way into the room was blocked.

I looked at Rose and Jasper.

"What are you doing? Let me by." I demanded, laughing slightly.

The looks on their faces made me take pause.

"What's wrong?" I asked sharply. "Is it A.J?"

Rose hesitated and looked over her shoulder. I could see James, his jaw tense. He only looked like that if he was angry or worried. Wonder which it was this time. He saw me and made his way over.

"Hey. Can you tell these two to move out of my way before Brandon realizes that I am not in there and has my ass for dinner?" I asked him.

"I…" He trailed off, as if having trouble finding the words and ran a hand through his short locks. "You don't want to go in there."

"Why wouldn't I want to go in there? Is his breath so atrocious that I will pass out? That's okay; I will just give him a Tic Tac." I teased. I moved to push past him. He stopped me.

"Bella. Please. Don't go in there." He pleaded.

I looked into his eyes, eyes so familiar to me. They were filled with worry and angst and concern and adoration. Whatever it was, it was freaking him out, which is turn was freaking me out.

I shook it off.

"Whatever it is, it will be fine. Now let me go." I wrenched my arm from his gentle grasp and pushed through the crowd. I heard James say my name lowly, urgently.

I made it to the second row and took my place leaning up against the wall. If Sasquatch would move, I could see better.

"Now as you all know, I have been very excited about these new additions to our staff." The room laughed as they had seen her exuberant behavior the last couple of days. "They come highly recommended and I would like to be the first to introduce you to Dr. Edward Cullen and his wife, Dr. Tanya Denali Cullen."

The roar started in my ears almost immediately. My throat felt as if it were closing in. My eyes were burning. My lungs stopped constricting. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think clearly. Just his name…over and over and over again in a loop.

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

I vaguely heard James saying my name, his hands fluttering around my face, my hair.

Suddenly, _he_ was in my sight. Time had touched him, subtly though. His hair was more controlled. His formerly lean body was more muscular. He had crinkles around his moss colored eyes. He had stubble that feathered his strong jaw.

The muscular body that tensed, the strong jaw that dropped open when the moss colored eyes landed on me.

That was the last thing I saw before I saw nothing.

**Still with me? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Book One, Part One - Nothing**

_15 years ago…_

"Come for a walk with me." He softly demanded, extending his hand out to me.

I took it immediately, concerned with his detached demeanor and the crooked smile that did not reach his eyes.

We walked through the wooded forest that surrounded my house, staying silent. I wanted desperately to say something, anything to make him reassure me.

"Say something." I pleaded with him, bringing myself and him, to a halt.

He looked at me, his eyes vacant of emotion.

"Bella, we're leaving." He said monotonously.

My brain reeled as I fought to understand the implication of that statement.

"Wha…why now? I mean, I know it's been hard since your dad died, but another few months and we will have graduated and…" I stopped as finally my brain caught up with what he wasn't saying.

"When you say we…' I whispered.

"I mean, me and my family." Each word separate and distinct.

I shook my head back and forth in denial. He waited without a sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"What…no. No! You promised! You said you would never leave me! You said you loved me!"

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He said, taking a deep breath and staring, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder.

"You…don't…want…me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like emeralds, hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.

"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb.

"Of course, I will always love you…in a way. I am just tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I've let this go on for too long, and for that I am sorry."

"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."

He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.

"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.

I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion. I tried again.

"If…that's what you want."

He nodded once.

My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." He said.

I wondered what he saw on my face, because something flickered across his own face in response. But, before, I could identify it, he'd composed his features into the same serene mask.

"Anything." I vowed, my voice faintly stronger.

As I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The emeralds became liquid, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.

"Don't do anything reckless, or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I am saying?"

I nodded helplessly.

His eyes cooled, the distance returned.

"I am thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself, for him."

"I will." I whispered.

He seemed to relax just a little.

"And I will make a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

My knees started shaking, my blood was pounding faster than normal behind my ears. His voice sounded farther away.

He smiled gently.

"Don't worry. You will move on, forget about me in time."

"And you?" I asked, my voice strangled.

"I will do the same. I am very easily distracted." He took a step away from me. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

The plural caught my attention.

"Kate isn't coming back." She had been out of school for a few days and she hadn't return my calls.

He shook his head slowly.

"No. They are all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Kate is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her a clean break would be good for you."

I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.

"Goodbye, Bella." he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.

"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him.

I thought he was reaching for me too. But his hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.

"Take care of yourself," he breathed, his breath warm against my skin.

I felt the warm leave and when I opened eyes…

He was gone.

I tried to follow him, willing my deadened legs to move and I stumbled through the wooded area of my vast backyard after him…but to no avail. I had to find him. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.

Love, life, meaning…over.

I walked and walked. For what seemed like hours. I began to feel frantic as I realized I didn't know where I was, or how to get home.

Home.

It wouldn't feel like home without him.

He was my reason for everything. At eighteen, I knew he was my soul mate. The one I was destined to be with.

As I looked around, at the cold, empty, dark forest, it hit me. He didn't feel the same way.

I tripped over something and I stayed down, curled up into a ball, willing for death to come upon me.

I laid there for hours, shivering, but I didn't feel the cold, my stomach rumbled, but I didn't feel the hunger, my bones ached, but I didn't feel the pain.

I was empty.

I was unloved.

I was nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**This first part is also borrowed heavily from New Moon. At the bottom comes the original, though heavily clichéd crap...**

**What can I say, I'm not the creative sort...**

**Book One, Part Two - Girl Time**

Looking back, I realize that I don't remember anything about the next two months directly following that day. Time ceased to exist. I know that I got up every morning and I went to school. I would force down a few bites at breakfast and supper, I would do my homework and I would go to bed. I was in a haze of grief and nothing would penetrate it. My heart was cracked open in tiny fissures, beyond repair. It was like a bomb exploded and the fragments were all over the place, and no one could put it back together again.

I was walking towards my Jeep on a cold December morning when my dad caught up to me.

"Okay, I have had enough. You are going to go back to Arizona to live with your mom."

I looked at him catatonically. His words barely made any sense.

"Why? What did I do?" I asked. I knew my behavior was beyond reproach. I never even went anywhere but to school and the grocery store.

"Nothing. That is the problem. You are just this shell of a person. I just think it would be better for you to get out of here. Without all the reminders of…"

"You want me to leave?" I asked, interrupting him before he could say his name. I couldn't take that.

"No, of course not, Bella. I love you. But this is not healthy."

"I'm fine."

"Oh yeah? This," he gestured to my slovenly appearance, "is fine? You not having anything to do with your friends, is fine? You having nightmares and waking up screaming every night, is fine? Your clothes are hanging off of you. I hate to break it to you, Bella, but you are not fine." He stressed to me.

"I am. I actually have plans to meet up with Rose later today. We are going to go to the movies. Girl time." I told him, trying to remind myself to ask her if she wanted to go the movies. Rose didn't do girl time.

Charlie nodded.

"That should be fun. Girl time, great." He forced some enthusiasm into his voice.

"Yeah, great. Well gotta go to school now."

He stepped aside and let me go.

Rose looked at me shrewdly as she ate her cheeseburger.

I ignored her, nibbling on a chip. My stomach revolted and I put it down.

"You look like shit." She said bluntly.

I looked up at her and then looked back down at my full plate.

"You have circles under your eyes, your hair is greasy and stringy, you have obviously lost weight, you don't talk to anyone, even me and I have been your friend for four years. It's like you don't care about yourself anymore."

I still said nothing.

"Damn it!" Her fist banged the table and I jumped. "Talk to me."

Tears flooded my eyes.

"What do you want me to say? That he left me like I was nothing to him? That he never loved me? That it was all a lie? Fine. I am nothing, he never loved me and he lied." I said.

"Edw…"

"Don't say his name." I whispered. "Please." I pleaded.

She nodded.

"Eat." She demanded.

"I am not hungry."

"Eat anyway, or I will have your father put you in the hospital and have you fed intravenously."

I glared at her.

"Finally. Some emotion." She said.

"Yeah, anger."

"Better than nothing. Now eat."

I nodded and picked up my chip and started chewing.

"Hey Bella!"

I looked up from the book I was trying to concentrate on.

"James?" I was surprised to see him here. He was _his_ best friend.

He frowned as he looked me over.

"You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, that is the general consensus. Thanks." I said.

"How much weight have you lost?" He asked.

I shrugged and turned my attention back to trying to read my book. I was on page six and I had been reading for an hour.

Suddenly it was ripped from my grasp.

"Get up." He said.

"Leave me alone." I pleaded.

"No!" He made me stand up and he looked at me. The disappointment on his face made me cringe. We had been close, Kate, James, _him_ and I.

He grabbed my hand suddenly.

"Come on."

"Where?" I asked.

"Anywhere but here."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the feedback. **

**Book One, Part Two - Positive**

"So? Do you want me to look or do you want to?" James asked quietly.

I was struggling for breath. It was Christmas morning and James had stayed over and we were all going to spend it together. James didn't really have anyone much in the way of family so he had been by my side for the last month, almost constantly. My school and sleep were the only things that separated us, as he had dropped out the year before. I found it easier to breathe around him. He actually made me smile.

But everything was about to change. For my whole life rested on what that little white stick had to say.

_Yes._

_No._

_Pregnant._

_Not Pregnant._

"I have to do this." I said.

He nodded.

"Well, it's been five minutes, it only needed three." He said.

I nodded, and got up on shaky legs and walked to the tiny bathroom I shared with my dad. I closed my eyes and then opened, blinking as I looked at the pregnancy test.

_Positive._

I fell down to the floor, biting my lip hard to stop the sobs from being heard. I tasted blood on my lip. I was vaguely aware of warm arms wrapping around me, rocking me back and forth, murmuring words of encouragement.

I am not sure how long we stayed like that, but he never complained.

"What am I going to do?" I whispered.

"We are going to have a baby." He informed me.

I leaned back to look at him , confused.

"I know this baby isn't mine, but you don't have to do this alone. I will be here the whole time. I am not going anywhere. I promise."

"That's what he said." I choked out.

"I'm not him."

How well I knew that…

*ICUY*

"You're pregnant?!"

My father stopped pacing long enough to glare at me and James, his face a vivid puce.

"I'm sorry, Daddy." I whispered.

"How did this happen?" He asked.

"Well, you see there is an egg and then some sperm and…" James started.

The look my dad gave him shut him up.

"You! You…I ask you to look after my daughter, to help her and this is what happens?" He asked.

"It's not his fault." I interjected quietly.

"Then whose is it? You didn't get pregnant by yourself."

"It's not his." I stated.

That stopped my father cold.

"That little bastard!" He yelled. "He left you knowing you were pregnant?"

"He didn't know. I didn't know until last week."

"How far along are you?" He asked, finally sitting down. I loved my dad but he tended to overreact…a lot. I had come to live with him my freshman year when my mom had moved to Arizona with her new husband and we were extraordinarily close. This whole situation was killing him.

"I don't know, but if I had to guess I would say four months. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"I am really disappointed in you, Bella. I thought I had raised you better than that, but this is going to happen so there is no sense in dwelling on it." He looked at James. "What is your role in all this?"

"I am here for Bella. No matter what." He vowed.

My dad nodded.

"Looks like we are having a baby then. I sure hope you two know what you're getting into."

Of course, we had no idea…


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for not updating last night. I worked all day then had to attend a function for my husband. Legal drug dealer by day…bad ass biker chick by night ;)**

**Book One, Part Four - Adoption?**

"Okay Bella, this is going to be a little cold." Dr. Gerandy said, as he squirted some jelly on my slightly rounded stomach.

I jumped a little and James laughed. I was in my sixth month of pregnancy and true to his word, he had been here the whole time. He had gotten a job at a nearby construction company and he slept on our couch. Or so Charlie thought. He actually slept in my bed with me. He kept the nightmares at bay and while he made no secret of how he felt about me, he knew I wasn't able to be in a relationship like that. So he settled for friendship. I kept telling him that he should go out and find a nice girl, but he always said I was all the girl he would ever need. So selfishly, I leaned on him.

"Everything is looking good. Are you still having morning sickness?" Dr. Gerandy asked.

"Ugh. Why do they call it morning sickness when I have it morning _and_ noon _and_ night?" I complained.

Dr. Gerandy laughed.

"I will take that as a yes. Just keep taking your vitamins and eating healthy." He advised.

"Just eat anything." James muttered.

I shot him a glare. I was still struggling to eat and while I passed it off as the pregnancy, we both knew it wasn't.

"Do you want to know what you are having?" He asked.

I chewed on my bottom lip and thought about it.

"No. I think I want to be surprised." I said.

Dr. Gerandy nodded.

"So few things in this life are." He said. "Well, I won't need to see you for another four weeks so just get dressed and Anita will set you up."

"Thanks Doc." I said.

I looked at James, who was leaning back in his chair watching me.

"Do you mind? I need to get dressed."

James rolled his eyes.

"It is nothing I haven't seen, Bella."

"Ugh, you promised to never bring that up ever again." I hissed.

He laughed.

"Oh come on! It was funny."

"Me opening the shower curtain to you pissing in my toilet while scratching your ass was not funny." I said.

"Well I thought it was funny." He said.

"James." I whined.

"Fine, I'm going. Hurry up woman. I am hungry and that baby is screaming for a cheeseburger."

"Fine."

He left with a wink and I wondered once again why I couldn't move on with James.

*ICUY*

"So have you thought of any names for it?"

I looked at Rose, who I was helping with her graduation invitations.

"Don't call my baby an it." I said crossly.

"Well, we don't know if it has a penis or a vagina so until it pops out of your vajajay, it's an it."

"Ugh, names. I don't know. I mean he or she will have to live with this forever. It's a big deal, you know?"

"No I don't know. I don't want kids…ever. They cry and eat and poop and pee and smell and ugh…" She complained.

"Thanks a lot." I rolled my eyes.

We worked a little longer and I looked up when I felt her gaze burning a hole into my head.

"What?"

"Have you ever thought about adoption?" She asked, her manner hesitant.

"Yes." I whispered.

"And?" She prompted.

"I can't do it, Rose. This baby…he or she is the last link to him that I have. This baby will be the best parts of both of us. It proves to me that he did exist. That even if he didn't love me, I loved him and this baby was made out of that love. I know, stupid reason right?" I said, brushing away my tears.

"No. It's not. Have you tried to find him?" She asked.

"Charlie tried. It's like they disappeared without a trace. No number, no forwarding address, nothing. I told him to stop looking. If he had cared anything about me, he would have called or come back, anything and he didn't. And I don't have the energy to dwell on that. I am going to have a baby to raise in less than three months. I have to focus on that. I have Charlie and James. We will be fine."

"About James. What is up with that? Are you totally reaping the benefits of the horny pregnancy hormones with him?"

"No! It's not like that." I protested.

"Is it for him." Rose pointed out.

I feigned concentration on the invitation in front of me.

"Is it?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Oh come off it bitch! You know he is totally in love with you." She said.

I sighed.

"I know. I just…can't go there. We have discussed it and he understands." I told her.

James isn't Edward," Rose said gently.

I cringed and wrapped my arm around my midsection as if that could help hold my insides together.

"Don't say his name, please. I am begging you. Please…" I was panting and gasping.

"Okay, okay. I am sorry. Shhh. It's okay. Breathe in and breathe out. Slowly…that's it." Rose wrapped her arms awkwardly around me and rocked me slowly.

My breathing startled slowing down and it was easier to breathe after five minutes.

"What the hell, Bella?"

"Just a little bit of anxiety is all." I waved her concern away.

"Bullshit. That was a full blown panic attack. That is not healthy."

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't want to forget him? That I could pretend he didn't exist and that I had never met him? That I could be happy with James who has been there for me this whole time? But I can't. I am having his baby. The place where my heart was is hollow. I am barely holding it together and in three months I am going to be responsible for another human. A human I wasn't prepared to have until I was much older. So thank you Rose, I know this is not healthy!" I ranted.

She stood there, her mouth agape. That is probably the most I have said or emoted in six months.

"O…okay." She stammered.

"I'm sorry. It is not your fault. You told me not to trust a guy with hair like his." I feebly joked.

"Yeah." She smiled weakly.

An awkward silence ensued.

"Let's get these finished. I swear I am going to get carpal tunnel. How do you know this many people?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

It worked.

"Ugh. My mom." She complained.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur and I found that I enjoyed myself immensely.

Maybe I was getting better.

**I should have addressed this before, but this is a drabblish type fic. Short, frequent updates. Some will be 2000 words but most will be 600-1100 words. ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Book One, Part Five – A.J.**

"Come on Bella, you can do this! Push!" James coached.

"You fucking push!" I yelled.

I was on this stupid bed, practically folded in half, my legs spread wide, with an old ass man sitting between them like he was a catcher for the Mariners. Oh and pain was ripping through my back, to my abdomen, down to my not-so-good girl, that was currently being stretched to the size of a Volvo and might never recover. Are vaginas elastic? I mean, I didn't want a guy, if I ever slept with another guy and at the moment that didn't look so promising, to fall in to never be found again.

Oh God, these drugs were fucking with my brain…they were not helping my pain however.

Painkillers, my ass.

"Okay Bella, just one more push and your baby will make its debut."

"Didn't your ass say that like ten pushes ago?" I asked.

He smiled kindly and just repeated himself.

"Aarghhh! Jesus Christ, this shit hurts!" I screamed.

"Bella, shhh, baby. Calm down." James said.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN! You try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon and we will see if you stay calm!"

"Okay, Bella, you don't want to miss this. Look down." Dr. Gerandy said.

I did as he suggested and gasped. All I could see was bronze curly hair and blood and white cakey stuff on his or her head…at least I think that was its head. I hope it was its head.

"Okay one last push and you can meet your baby."

I grunted as I pushed and the baby just slipped out into the doctor's hands. I threw myself back in relief. Thank God that was over.

"It's a girl!"

A girl…I had a daughter.

James leaned down and kissed my sweaty forehead.

"You did it Bella. You did great! She is beautiful…well I think she is beautiful, but she is covered with some nasty shit right now." James said honestly.

I slapped him on the arm half- heartedly.

"Of course she is beautiful."

The nurse interrupted us with a smile.

"Would you like to hold her, Miss Swan?"

"Please."

Suddenly a squirming baby swaddled in a pink blanket was placed in my arms. I looked down at her and I felt it…

My heart.

I mean, I knew it was still in there, physically speaking but metaphorically…it had been gone. And now it was like all the fissured pieces had fused back together, only leaving a small hole where it should have been complete.

She had reddish curly hair, most of it obscured by a pink and blue striped hat. Her fingers were long like mine, her chin and mouth also reminiscent of me. But when she opened her eyes, they were a deep green…

Just like his.

I would be looking into his eyes for the rest of my life.

'Just like I never existed', my ass.

"So, what's her name gonna be?" James asked, looking down at my daughter in awe.

I looked down at her and back up at him and I just...knew.

"Anna Jaymes Swan. After her uncle and my best friend."

His answering grin was met with mine.

**ICUY**

We settled into a routine as the weeks passed on. Anna Jaymes, or A.J as we called her, was a good baby, sweet in nature. She rarely cried, thank god, and slept at intervals of four hours, which I was told was a godsend. I graduated high school on time and with honors. Charlie, James and A.J. were all there to support me at the ceremony. James' loud ass could be heard over everyone there.

James. He was so good with A.J.. It was like he was born to be a father. I knew he thought of her as his and while I appreciated that, I feared his heart was going to be irreparably damaged like mine was. But he deserved that title above anyone else in A.J.'s life, so for now I didn't say anything.

It was that summer that James pulled me aside for a conversation.

"Can I talk to you Bella?" He asked.

"Of course. Just let me put A.J down in her bassinet." I quickly did just that and sat back down.

"You know how you decided to put off college until A.J. is older?" He asked.

I looked down at my hands and chewed on my lip.

"Yeah."

"Well, you don't have to and I think you should take U Dub up on their offer." He said.

U Dub, or the University of Washington, had offered me a full scholarship to their campus in Seattle. I had been planning to be a doctor but that had suddenly started to look like a pipe dream. I had deferred it for a year and they had graciously let me do that considering my circumstances.

"I already put that off. I will maybe go next year." I told James.

"Look, I got my GED and I have been offered a job in Seattle that will help me pay for my schooling. I am going to college with you. We can get an apartment, a three bedroom apartment," He amended when I shot him a look. "And I can work and we can go to school. They have grants for housing for single mothers to help us out. And your dad said he would do whatever he could and so did your mom."

"My mom?"

My mother. Renee Higginbotham Swan Dwyer. Biggest woman surgeon in the U.S., though I think she was going for world domination. She made no secret of her disdain for my current predicament. It wasn't A.J. that she objected to, it was the time of my life in which she had occurred that she had a problem with. She was living in Arizona with my step father, Phil and my half brother, Peter. Now that was a scandal. He was two years younger than me, which would not be a problem if maybe we had the same father. See Mom was having an affair with Phil behind my Dad's back when I was a baby. When Mom turned up pregnant again, no one thought anything of it…until Peter was born…

See Phil is a good looking man, but he is a good looking black man. My Dad is white, so let's just say that when Peter came out, it was a shock to almost everyone. Dad filed for divorce, Phil left his wife, Mom married Phil and no one ever looked back. I had lived with Mom until I was fourteen and then after a summer visit with my dad, I had really liked it and decided to stay. My Dad and I were very close now and I had A.J. so no matter what else happened, I couldn't let myself regret the choice I had made then.

"I don't understand."

"Your mom said that if you went to college and kept your grades up, she would pay for everything that the grant wouldn't. The apartment for us, A.J.'s nanny, cost of living, cars, everything." He said.

"And what do I have to give her in return? My first born? Cause I am rather attached to her." I said dryly.

"No. You become what you set out to be. A doctor." He said.

I sucked in a breath. Is it possible that I could have everything, well almost everything, that I wanted.

"So what do you say?" James asked.

"Okay. Yes." I agreed.

"Yes?" He asked, making sure.

"Yes."

"Whoo hoo! We are moving to Seattle!" He pulled me off the couch and twirled me around my living room. "We are going to be world famous doctors and A.J. will have everything she ever wanted. You will have the life you deserve. I promise."

He sat me down and looked at me, grinning from ear to ear.

In that very moment, I believed him.

**I don't know if a baby can be born with green eyes, but I'm going with it. Also, yes this was wrapped up in a neat little bow. Single parenthood even with help is not close to this easy. I call fiction. :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**So…funny story (and a glimpse into my real life). I've never been one too shy to admit I read and write fanfiction. I will tell anyone who asks and those who don't. It is part of who I am. I don't have an alter ego, my fandom FB and RL FB are one and the same…same with Twitter. **

**So, last night I get a group message from my youngest sister to me and my middle sister. Now, even though they know I write, they don't read my stuff. So imagine my surprise when I get a screencap with part of the prologue which mentions one of our favorite eating places in our home town in IL. (We now live in MS) **

**Her exact words were 'OMG! Where is this chic from on fanfic?! Bitter harpy! She knows about Alongi's!' I died laughing. So I called her and couldn't talk from laughing so hard. She asked what was funny. I told her it's me. She felt stupid but at least I know she's reading! **

Book One, Part Six - Okay

Twenty Six Months later…

"Bella? Do you know where my Gross Anatomy book is?"

I rolled my eyes, slipped my glasses off and rubbed at my face vigorously. I was in the middle of typing up my dissertation for that class. James hadn't even started and it was due in a week.

"How the hell would I know?" I asked, exasperated.

James was always losing things. He was a terrible slob and I felt like his mom sometimes. He was, however, better than he was when we first moved in. Apparently, he put on airs for Charlie.

"You cleaned." He said.

"Of course I did. Who else is going to do it?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at him.

"Can I borrow your book? Just for tonight. I need to get started on my paper." He asked, flopping down on the couch.

"You think? It is only due next week."

"Just because you started yours a month ago, doesn't mean I had to."

"How do you keep your grades up by procrastinating?" I asked.

"I keep my professors happy." He said with a leer.

"Even the men?" I faked an outraged gasp.

"No, definitely not the men." He asserted.

"How is it you can keep from getting an STD?" I asked.

"No glove, no love." He quoted.

I shook my head in mirth, while being a little jealous. Not that I would admit that to anyone, especially James.

When we had moved in, he was always there, saying things…sweet things, great things. He loved me, I knew this. He made no secret of it. But I just…couldn't. Not with him, not with anyone. I had A.J. I had school. That was enough.

Or was it?

I would watch James go out on dates. Hell, I had even thrown a couple of my classmates at him. He never brought them back to the house, but a couple of girls I knew gave me a play by play of his bedroom prowess. I still couldn't block out those images that were burned into my brain.

And if it made him happy, great. I was happy for him. But I felt that I was stuck in limbo. A.J should be more than enough for me, but a part of me wanted to be happy with someone, be a family with someone.

But I was damaged goods. No one wanted to go out with a woman with a baby. Add that to the fact that I couldn't commit and I was in love with someone else and that made me a waste of time.

James would jump at the chance. I knew this, but again, he was too important to mess with. I loved James, just not the way he deserved.

"You have that look again."

I focused on him and faked a smile.

"Just thinking about school." I lied.

"You are really boring, Bella."

"Thanks." I replied dryly. "I love you, too."

"I do love you, you know this." He said sincerely.

"I know, I am just…I just…I need to go out and get away and have some fun and get…I don't know…get laid!" I ranted.

James stilled, the smile leaving his face.

"You want to what?" He whispered.

"Never mind. I am just…just forget I said anything. Really. It has just been a long day. I better start cooking supper. Spaghetti okay?" I asked.

I stood up to go to the kitchen but his hand on my arm stopped me. He pulled me down next to him.

"Are you finally ready to move on?" He asked.

"I don't know." I whispered. "It's been three years. I guess it is time. Don't you think?"

"I thought that two years ago. You are too wonderful to just sit and let life pass you by."

"What if I am not?"

"Not what?" He asked.

"Wonderful and beautiful and all the things you say. I mean, if I was so wonderful, why didn't he love me, why didn't he stay?" I asked, tears flooding my eyes. I willed them to not fall. I hated weakness.

"You are wonderful, and you are beautiful, and you are smart and funny and any guy would be so lucky to have you." He stressed. "And he was an idiot. Edward Cullen was my best friend, but he is a fucking idiot!"

I waited for the pain that would always wash over me when his name was mentioned. And I waited.

And I waited.

And barely nothing.

Just a little pang and that was it.

"You okay?" James asked, when I stayed quiet.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am." I breathed, still reeling.

I looked to James and smiled.

"Do you have plans for Friday night?" I asked.

"Um…no. Do you need me to babysit?" He asked, cringing.

"No, I want you to take me on a date." I told him.

The look that crossed his face, made me in equal parts feel happy and sad. Happy because I had made him happy. Sad because I had made him happy. Just one little invitation for more, made his face alight with joy. It was heady, this power I had over him.

I just hoped I was worth it.

*ICUY*

"So dinner was good." I said, letting myself in our apartment.

"Dinner was excellent." He followed behind me and shut the door.

I paid Kelly and asked how A.J. had been. Kelly had had no problems and soon left, leaving us alone.

Now, normally this wouldn't bother me, seeing as we lived together and all. But this was different. We had went out, had dinner, watched a movie, held hands and had had a great time. And I am no expert on dating, but I am pretty sure a kiss is mandatory.

So I was worried.

I decided to avoid.

"I am going to go check on A.J." I told him, smiling in his general vicinity. Looking at him was out of the question. He looked hot tonight.

"Bella…"

"And then I think ice cream is in order. Do you want some ice cream?" I asked.

"Bella…"

"And then I think I want to go to bed. It has been a long week and I have been busy and I am just exhausted. So maybe I will forgo the ice cream. What do you th…."

His mouth on mine made my words die down abruptly. I stiffened in his arms in surprise and disconcertion and wonder. His lips were soft, not rough as I had thought they would be. He was gentle, just using the slightest pressure. I started to slowly respond, leaning into him more, allowing my hands to caress up his chest and rest behind his neck, linking together. Before I could get completely into it, he pulled back.

"A.J is fine, we just had dessert, and yes, it has been a long week but this is me, Bella. So avoiding won't work. I know you too well. So now that we got the kiss out of the way, how about we watch a movie. You can pick since I picked the one we watched earlier."

I stood there stunned, watching as he walked to the kitchen. I headed over to the entertainment center and rifled through our DVD collection.

"How about Lethal Weapon?" I asked.

He was now sitting on our couch, dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a tight T shirt.

"How romantic." He teased.

"If you want hearts and flowers, go find another girl. I like to watch shit blow up and Mel Gibson is just hot."

He laughed.

"Go change into something more comfortable. You know, something see through and tiny."

I mock glared at him.

"Or go change into your sweats." He amended.

I put the movie on and rushed to my room and pulled out my boxers and the t shirt from my high school. I padded back into the living room and paused in the doorway. He was so gorgeous. He could be anywhere and with anyone tonight, and he chose to be here with me.

He caught me looking at him and smiled, patting the spot beside him. I quickly joined him, keeping a slight distance between us. He shook his head, reached to grab the throw settled on the back of the couch, and threw it over his legs. He then snatched me, bringing me flush up against his side, placing his arm behind my head. I searched his eyes for a moment and then cuddled up to him, my head on his upper chest.

We watched the movie for a few minutes and I felt his lips brush my temple.

"I know that I am not who you want here right now. I know this and I understand this and I am okay with this. But he is not coming back and if you could just maybe give me a chance, a real chance, I think that maybe, you will find that I can make you happy. I want to make you happy."

My eyes filled with tears and my throat and my chest both tightened and I found it hard to breathe. Was I truly ready to move on? Could I? I had a daughter with _him_. I had memories with _him_. I loved _him_.

But I had a life with James. And he was good to me and he loved me and he loved my daughter and he was my best friend.

And I wanted him to be happy.

And with that, I brought his head down to mine and kissed him with all the feelings, good and bad, that I had coursing through me. It was nothing like the sweet kiss from before. This was all tongue and bruising pressure and teeth gnashing. This was lip fucking at its greatest.

And it felt…amazing. Freeing. Uncomplicated. It just was. All thoughts flew out of the window, all confusion kept at bay. It was just me and James, two people who had bonded over the loss of a boy we had loved and who had found something in each other.

And as I pulled away, my breathing heavy, my chest heaving and his much the same, I knew.

It was time to put my big girl panties on and move forward with my life. For A.J.'s sake. For James' sake.

For my sake.

And with that, I uttered the one word to make it all right.

"Okay."

**See? James is not a saint. He's a normal red-blooded horny male who loves Bella. **

**Oh, and I know some of you may be squicked out about James and Bella but this is necessary…Besides you all know Edward marries Tanya in the next book so let Bella get hers…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the wait, but it was the 1st, 2nd and 3rd at work...ugh. Though this story is complete, I still have to edit it. Thanks for all the love and support. **

**Time jump ahead...**

**Oh and yes, I throw a little Grey's Anatomy your way...where do you think I get the doctor terms from...;p**

**Book One, Part Seven - I Love You**

_Four years later…_

_Doctors, please repeat after me..._

_I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:_

_I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow._

_I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures [that] are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism._

_I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug._

_I will not be ashamed to say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery._

_I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God._

_I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick._

_I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure._

_I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm._

_If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help._

I was one of ninety eight graduates who recited this with the Dean of Medicine.

"I would like to be the first to properly introduce to you, the University of Washington, School of Medicine's graduating class of 2002!"

I tossed my graduation cap in the air with everyone else, a soft smile on my face. I was Dr. Isabella Swan. In two short months, James and I would begin our internship at Seattle Grace Hospital. It had been a nerve racking four years of med school , every day the same. Get up, rush around getting ready, fixing A.J. breakfast while grabbing something on the run, school, studying, supper, shower, bed.

It was not something I would necessarily change. My life was busy, but full. I had accomplished what I had set out to do and I was fulfilling my dreams. I hadn't done it alone, I thought, looking out into the stadium to where my entire family sat. My dad, always so supportive and loving, my mom and step-dad, always quick with encouragement and advice, my half- brother, Peter, always making me laugh. He was two years behind me in medical school at Dartmouth. He was a looker that was for sure. I could see the trail of broken hearts already. Then there was James, my rock, my best friend. He was infinitely patient and understanding. He respected my emotional boundaries with little or no complaint.

And finally, there was A.J. Brighter than any star in the sky. She was six now and so smart. She was the only person I lived for.

"Mommy!"

A.J. broke away from my dad and threw herself at my legs and squeezed. I bent down and picked her up, holding her tightly to me.

"Ugh. You are getting so big." I exclaimed.

"Mommy!" She rolled her green eyes. "I am already big." She corrected.

"Oh, of course. Forgive me." I said to her, smiling.

"You look so pretty, Mommy!"

"What about me?"

A.J giggled and launched herself at James, almost making me lose my balance. He righted me with a grin and transferred A.J. to his arms, kissing her cheek.

"You are pretty too, Uncle James." She said.

"You learn quick, Munchkin." He teased. "But you are right, your mother is absolutely breathtaking." He said with a wink at me.

I blushed under his intense gaze.

"So what are you planning to do during the next two months?" My mother asked. I looked at her, Dr. Renee Swan-Dwyer. She looked formidable in her cream colored suit , not a hair out of place.

"I am going to do nothing but spend time with A.J." I told her.

James cleared his throat.

"And him." I hiked my thumb in his direction. "Why?"

Renee looked at Phil, who nodded.

"Well, I was thinking that you could spend some of that time in California."

"California? What's in California?" I asked, confused. Mom hated hot weather.

"You three will be there in two days." She informed me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because a little birdie told me that Disneyland would be 'so awesome'." She said, with a smile.

A.J. screamed loudly.

"Disneyland! Oh my gosh!"

I looked at my mother in astonishment.

"You don't have to do this." I said, ignoring A.J's 'Mom!'. "You have done so much for us already."

"We want to. Besides, it will be a long time before you can go on a vacation once you start your residency. So go, enjoy. It is all expenses paid, two weeks in the hot, smoggy state of California."

For the first time in years, I threw my arms around my mother.

"I am so proud of you, Bella." She whispered as she hugged me tight.

"Thank you. That is all I have really ever wanted." I told her.

*ICUY*

"Can we go again? Huh, can we?"

James groaned. I bit back a laugh. James apparently had a fear of heights I wasn't aware of before this trip. The flight consisted of him using three barf bags. Yet, he insisted on going on every ride that A.J. could go on. A.J. wasn't scared of heights, so to say that James was green, was an understatement.

"Let's give Uncle James a chance to recover." I suggested. "Why don't we get something to drink and then explore?"

"Mmm…k." She agreed. I took her hand as James took the other one and we grabbed some lemonades and some soft baked pretzels and we just walked. It was a wonderful day at 73 degrees. There was a cool breeze blowing and it was beautiful. Just seeing all the families out spending time together, just like ours.

I stopped walking as that thought occurred to me. James and A.J. had moved ahead a little as they looked at a map and decided what to do from there. He had swung her up into his arms and their heads were so close together, darker meeting lighter. He said something to her and she giggled and he kissed the top of her curly bronze haired head.

We were a family. To any other outsider, we were. I was the mom, James the dad and A.J. the child. My heart and gut twisted simultaneously.

"Bella?" My head darted up and I shook a little to clear my thoughts.

James looked at me with concern.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, just got a little dizzy." I assured him with a smile.

"Maybe we should go. Come back tomorrow." He suggested.

"No. I don't want to ruin anything for her." I wasn't only talking about the trip.

"If you're sure?" James asked.

"I am." I told him.

"Mom, Space Mountain! I wanna go. Please!" A.J. begged.

I laughed as James groaned.

"She was asleep before her head hit the pillow." James told me as he threw back the covers to his side of the bed.

I put down the medical journal I was reading and smiled at him. He was so handsome and he wanted me.

"Why do you love me?' I asked.

James's head snapped up.

"Why not?" He asked.

"I'm serious. You deserve so much better." I told him, looking down at my hands.

"I don't agree." He said, his tone brooking no argument.

"If you were smart, you would run, screaming, in the other direction."

"I am not smart."

"You are a doctor, so I would hope you were somewhat smart." I teased.

"I am book smart, not common sense smart."

"No arguments from me."

James sighed.

"Do you love me?" He asked.

I faltered. I had no idea how to answer this question, because the truth was, I didn't know. I never really sat down and thought out my feelings for James. I had just swept them under the rug with all the other things I didn't want to deal with.

"I do love you, but I don't know if I am in love with you. Does that make sense? I mean, you are my very best friend and I am so grateful to you…"

"I don't want you to be grateful to me! You wanna be grateful? Feel that shit for your mom or dad. Not for me. I am the man who has been there every step of the way for seven fucking years. Not once have I judged you or told you to stop loving the man who left you, pregnant and alone. Not once. I have tried not to feel anger at the way you flinch when I touch you, or when I kiss you. I have tried not to feel contempt when you take down that fucking box from the closet and sift through the shit he gave you. Because you loved him and he gave you A.J. I get it. He was my best friend and I get it. But he is not here. He is not here and I am. I am right here. I am the only daddy that A.J. knows. And I love you, all of you. And I think I deserve a better answer then 'I don't know'." He looked away from me and took a deep breath. "Do you think I don't know that you are detached when we make love? That you wish I was him? I know. And I deal with it. But I can't live in his shadow forever. You need to decide. Is it going to be me or him?" He slipped out of bed and grabbed a pillow. He looked at me. He looked so tired and defeated. "I'm going to go sleep on the couch. I am going to move out when we get back, give you some space. Give you time to think, to breathe."

I watched him go, my mind reeling. James was going to leave me? No. No!

No! No! No!

I was out of bed before I had time to think through my own thoughts. He was trying to get comfortable on the too short couch. I almost started laughing in my hysterics. Dude was way too tall for that love seat.

"I don't need time to think. I already know. I have known all along, I think." I said.

James blinked furiously. I was surprised to realize he was crying, or as close as James could come to crying.

"I will pack my things when I get home." He said, his voice dead. He turned away from me, burying his face in the couch cushion.

I padded quietly over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He stiffened and shrugged it off.

"I don't need your pity."

"Will you look at me, please." I pleaded. He didn't move. "Please."

He sighed and looked at me.

"What?" He asked harshly.

"You know what I was thinking when we were walking earlier?" I asked, my voice quiet in the darkness. 

He just looked at me.

"I was watching you carry A.J. and I was admiring the contrast in the coloring of your hair when put next to hers. There is no question that she is not yours."

He scoffed and shook his head.

"But if a person were to take a second look, they would see the unmistakable bond you two have. You are the only daddy she has ever known. I won't be responsible for her losing that."

"I will still be there for A.J." He said stiffly.

"Yeah, but I want you there for me, too."

"Bella, I can't. This is tearing me apart." He said.

"You are not understanding me and that is my fault." I placed my hands on each of his cheeks and looked deeply into his gray eyes. "I. Want. You." I said slowly.

"You want me?" He asked.

I nodded.

"How? How do you want me? Do you want me to be your best friend? Your lover? Your confident? Your boyfriend? What? How do you want me?"

"All of the above." I whispered. "But I don't want to get married. Not right now, possible never." I emphasized. "We can continue like we have been only I will let you in fully. I promise. I don't want to lose you."

He searched my eyes as if looking for any hesitation on my part. He would find none.

He pulled me into his arms and he hugged me tightly.

"I love you." He breathed into my ear.

I grasped him just as tightly.

"I love you too."

**Bella frustrates me to no end sometimes…but I love her anyway. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Have y'all ever seen the pilot episode of Grey's Anatomy? Well, this is modeled closely after it. What can I say, I love me some Grey's and McDreamy…**

**Part One, Book Eight - Interns**

_July 2002_

"I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change." She indicated to the nurse's desk. "Trauma protocol, pagers, nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. That's rule number two." She started walking and we scurried after her. "Your first shift starts now and lasts for forty eight hours. You are interns, grunts, nobodies, the bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work day and night, every second til you drop. And don't complain!" She opened a door to a room with bunk beds . "On call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can. Which brings me to rule number three. If I am sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the patient better not be dead when I get here. Not only would you have killed someone, you would have woken me for no good reason . Are we clear?" Dr. Alice Brandon looked at us expectantly. At 4'10, you would think she would be unintimidating. But that was wrong…way wrong. She was as intimidating as a 7 foot bulked up wrestler.

I tentatively raised my hand, wincing slightly.

She glared at me.

"Um…you said five rules. That was only four." I told her, quietly.

She regarded me carefully, her eyes narrowed. Her pager went off just then.

Thank God. I seriously think that woman could kill me with just a look.

"When I move, you move."

She took off running and we followed her to the roof where the helipad was located. The helicopter had landed and we rushed to get the patient out, steeling ourselves against the harsh wind coming from the circling blades.

In ten minutes the patient, Katie Bryce was in a room, mid seizure. Let me tell you, you can study this stuff every day in a book, but until you see it firsthand…you ain't seen shit. She was shaking, flopping around on the bed. My job was to try to restrain her. I picked up the cloth ties, trying to remember which way they went. With Dr. Brandon's help I figured it out. She stopped seizing when the medicine was injected.

"Dr. Brandon, I hear you have a fish on dry land."

We all looked up. By we, I mean all six of us. I was lucky to be in the same intern group as James and Rose, who had graduated from Stanford. Why she had went to school in sunny California, I would never know. Rose wasn't sunny, at all. The other three that completed our group were an ex-jock named Jasper Whitlock, a bubbly ex underwear model named Angela Weber and a shy, fumbling man named Mike Newton.

The doctor that had just walked in was a tall, bulked up man. He was huge! Hello steroids. His jacket said Dr. Emmett McCarty: Trauma. I looked at my patient and back at Dr. McCarty. This was not a trauma case. So why was he here?

"We sure do, Dr. McCarty." Brandon said smoothly.

"Shotgun." He said.

Ugh. Here we go. Time for scut work, but at least it was a real patient with a real problem.

"You know what that means, people. We will run every test in the book. Newton run me a Chem 7 and CBC. Hale, go to her parents, get a detailed history. Weber, you will be with me. Swan and Whitlock, get her up to CT. She is your responsibility now." Brandon went to leave.

"What about me?" James asked.

She turned back and looked him up and down.

"You get to do rectals." She smirked and left, Angela following her.

James groaned.

"Great." He turned back to me. "I don't even stick my finger up your ass."

"Oh. Gross. This is why I moved away." Rose gagged.

"Only because I don't let you." I told James, ignoring Rose's comment.

"Dude, you hitting that?" Jasper asked James.

"Excuse me? How is that any of your business?" I asked.

"It's not." He smirked.

I turned back to James.

"Just get it done and it will be over. See you at lunch." I told him and unhooked Katie's bed.

"Like I am going to want to eat covered in anal juices." He said, walking out.

"Nice image." Mike said, his face screwed up in a disgusted look.

"That's James. You get used to it." I told him kindly. He nodded shyly and blushed, taking the blood he had drawn and walking out quickly.

Weird...

"Looks like it is just you and me." Jasper smirked.

"Must be my lucky day." I said sarcastically. I began wheeling the bed out into the hall and I racked my brain trying to remember where CT was.

"You know what they need? A big 'You Are Here' sign. You know, like the one they have in the mall?" He remarked.

That was actually not a stupid thing to say. Huh, go figure.

"You know, you have a nice ass."

And the idiot is back.

*ICUY*

"Eat." I insisted, pushing a tuna sandwich James's way.

"I don't think I can, Bella." He groaned.

'This isn't a marathon, it's a race. Eat." I said.

James took the sandwich and bit into it.

"Tuna?" He said, making a face.

"Yeah. You eat it all the time at home. What's the problem?" I asked.

"At home, I haven't been up seventeen men's asses." He said.

"What does that have to do with tuna?" I asked exasperated.

"It smells like ass." He said.

I thrust my half eaten turkey sandwich at him.

"Here. Take this." I pointed to his sandwich. "And give me that."

He handed it over.

"Now shut up." I told him.

This is when I notice that the occupants of our table are looking at us.

"What?" I hissed.

"Nothing." Angela said, looking away.

Rose came up and sat down next to me after staring Mike down and taking his seat.

"Have you heard from Mommy Dearest today?" She asked.

"No, why would I?' I asked.

"You know her baby's first day and all." She crooned.

"This is not kindergarten. Besides when has Renee Dwyer ever cared about my first day of anything?" I asked.

I heard loud gasps come from the peanut gallery.

"What?" I half shouted.

"Your mother is Renee Dwyer? The Renee Dwyer?" Angela asked.

"Who is Renee Dwyer?" Mike asked.

Everyone now looked at him.

"Who is Renee Dwyer? She is only the biggest chick surgeon ever. She practically invented laparoscopic surgery." Rose boasted so proudly, you would have thought it was her mother.

"So I didn't know one thing." Mike complained.

"To get to be Renee Dwyer." Angela said.

"Can we shut up about Renee Dwyer?" I asked. I mean, shit. I hadn't said her name that much in five years…

James looked at me oddly.

"What? It is starting to freak me out." I told him.

"How is the kid?" Rose asked, changing the subject.

_"A.J.'s_ fine." I said pointedly.

"You have a son?" Angela asked.

"No, a daughter. A.J. is short for Anna Jaymes." I told her proudly.

"Do you have any pictures?" She asked.

"Yes." I pulled them out of my scrub pocket and leaned over Rose. "This was when she was six months old, and here is when she…"

"Okay, I am not a chick." Rose said.

We all looked at her.

"I mean I am a chick but I don't do chick shit. So let me move so you can have your girly moment."

I moved back and let her relocate.

"I am with her." Jasper said. He looked at James for some man support.

"She's like my kid, dude." He shrugged.

Jasper looked at Mike and then quickly shook his head.

"Never mind." He muttered.

He snatched the pictures out of my hand.

"Hey!" I protested.

He looked at them and then nodded.

"Cute kid." He said handing them back.

'Thanks." I said proudly.

"Too bad she is not older."

Yep, still an idiot.

**And the gang is all here! I am gonna warn you that there will be a lot of Grey's Anatomy references from here on out. It's all good, I swear. Also, I am sorry for the delay. This week was hell at work...  
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	10. Chapter 10

**Book One, Part Nine - Saving a Life**

I couldn't believe it. My first day on the job and I had correctly diagnosed a patient when even the most experienced of doctors couldn't.

"Good job, Dr. Swan." Dr. Nelson told me, clapping me on the back. We had just scrubbed out where I had held a clamp.

"Thank you, Dr. Nelson." I said breathlessly.

He nodded and left the room. I smiled and threw away my towel and headed out the door.

"Do you want to tell me why you stole my surgery?"

I looked at Jasper and smirked.

"Wasn't yours. I made the diagnosis, not you." I simply said.

"I spent just as much time with that pageant queen wannabe as you did! That little twit was annoying as hell and I got put on scut while you scrubbed in and helped save her annoying little life. She competes in beauty pageants for Christ's sake!" He raged.

"We had to save her life anyway." I said dryly.

I sat down on a bench and he sat down next to me.

"Rhythmic Gymnastics, huh?" He asked.

I laughed.

"Yeah I know. What is rhythamic gymnastics? I mean I can't even say it." I agreed.

"It's like maybe with a ball…" Jasper trailed off, chuckling.

"Do we have to do the thing where I say something, and there is a moment and then someone cries?" He asked.

"Yuk." I said.

"You should get some sleep. You look like crap." He said.

"I look better than you." I snarked.

"Not possible." He said smiling.

"I need to get home." I said getting up.

"Yeah, to Hunter and your daughter?" He said in a questioning manner.

"Yes. To James and A.J." I told him firmly.

"Lucky guy. Oh and what I implied about your daughter. I didn't mean it. She is a cute kid." He said.

"You're forgiven…until tomorrow. So don't forget to watch your back." I warned.

His laughing answer followed me, "Bring it."

"I'm home!" I yelled tiredly as I entered the apartment.

"Hey! You look tired, Bella." Jenny, A.J.'s nanny said.

"I am." I said.

"Mommy! Mommy!" A.J. skidded to a stop in front of me. I held my arms out for a hug. "You look like crap." She said.

"Gee, thanks. I love you too." I said.

She leaped into my arms.

"You are still the prettiest mommy ever." She said sweetly.

I looked at her suspiciously.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I wanna go to public school." She said.

I looked at Jenny in alarm. She just shrugged.

"What brought this on?" I asked.

"I have a new friend and she is going to that school and we will be in the same grade and her mom said she would take me back and forth and Sara is so nice and she has My Little Ponies and Barbies and she thinks that my Anatomy Jane is really cool and she wants me to play and can I?" A.J. rambled.

"Wow, she really is your kid." James said from the doorway, his hair wet from his shower.

"Well, A.J., your Grandma has already paid for the private school." I told her gently.

"Please Mommy. Please." A.J. pleaded. "Talk to Grandma."

"Okay." I sighed. " But I will have to check out the school first." I said, firmly.

"Yay!" A.J. jumped up and down.

"I said I will think about it. Not that you could. We still have a month before I have to worry about it."

"Okay. Go to bed now. You look tired." She said, patting my head.

"I am going to go run some errands and then we are going to the park." Jenny informed me. "Say good night to Mommy and James."

A.J. giggled.

"It's not night!" She protested.

She gave me a kiss.

"Hey! Did you get to stick your hands in guts?" She asked excitedly.

"No. But I did get to see a brain." I told her.

"Wow!" She turned to James. "What did you get to see?" She asked him.

I stifled a laugh as James stumbled through an explanation.

"Oh…um…well…I saw lots of patients…sick patients." He said to A.J. "Too much of them." He muttered.

"That is not as cool as Mommy." She told him frankly. She kissed him and followed Jenny out of the door.

"She is growing up way too fast, James." I said forlornly.

"I know. She is going to be a smartass." He said.

"She might take after you, after all."

He extended his hand and I accepted it, hoisting myself up.

"I'm gonna take a shower. I smell like a hospital." I complained.

"I will be waiting for you." He said, walking towards our bedroom.

I showered hurriedly and then threw on some pajamas. I crawled into bed and snuggled next to a sleeping James, who threw his arm around me and held me close. I drifted off to sleep quickly.

When I awoke it was to an empty bed. I sat up slowly and looked at the alarm clock.

_4:30pm_

I stretched and listened for sounds. The house was too quiet. I got up and padded to the bathroom. Once finished, I headed downstairs. I found a note on the dining room table.

_Woke up and took A.J. to get some dinner for tonight._

_Be back soon._

_James_

I smiled and poured me a cup of coffee that James had thoughtfully brewed. I sat down and started to read the paper.

I was entranced by the scandals when I heard A.J. and James come in the door.

"Mommy!" She yelled.

"Shhh. She might be sleeping still A.J." James whispered.

"No, I'm not." I said.

"Mommy! I talked to Grandma. She said I could go wherever I wanted." A.J. said excitedly.

I looked up at James.

He shrugged.

"She called and A.J. wanted to talk to her." He explained.

I sighed.

"Okay A.J. We will go register you Friday." I told her.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She exclaimed and through herself in my arms kissing me all over my face. "I am going to call Sara! I know her number and everything!"

She leapt off of me and ran to the living room.

"Are we sure she is six?" I asked.

"Yes, pretty sure." He remarked, setting a takeout box in front of me.

"She just gave in like that? My mother?" I asked doubtfully.

"She was hesitant and then A.J. started rambling so much like her mother and Renee couldn't keep up and just told me that as long as they are nationally accredited and suitable, she wasn't going to tell A.J. no and that she would put the money in her college fund instead." He said.

"So in other words, she didn't want to be the bad guy." I surmised. "And I do not ramble."

"Of course not." He placated, kissing my cheek."A.J.! Dinner!" He called.

"In a minute!" She yelled back.

"And so it starts." He groaned.

"What?" I asked, taking a bite of ravioli.

"The squealing, giggling, talking on the phone all night, part of being a girl." He said.

"I am not squealy or giggly." I said.

"I bet I can make you squeal and giggle." He promised.

I shivered.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise." He said.

I shifted in my seat.

"I will count on that tonight." I said seductively.

"Count on what tonight?" A.J. said breathlessly, sitting down and digging in to her tortellini.

"Going to bed. I am still very tired." I lied, smirking at James.

"Oh." She was all she said.

Thank God she was still young. I would hate to pay for her therapy bill.

**Sorry for the hold up but real life sucks a whole lot out of you sometimes.**


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